Quote Originally Posted by gwahir View Post
However I feel, more and more, like my doctor is nothing more than the boy with his finger in the dyke.
Dike.

I had to double-take at this initial sentence.

Anyway here's some thoughts.

You said you're seeing a psychiatrist. I know it's a pain in the ass, but have you considered seeing a psychotherapist? Someone who's there purely for talk therapy? Maybe all the worrying about, "is it chemical imbalance, is it not chemical imbalance, is it or isn't it" would be eased if you were able to talk with someone who is simply there for you to talk out how you really feel and help improve your quality of life.

I say this after I read this quote:
Quote Originally Posted by Gwahir
the sheer volume of my psychological baggage -- which I didn't even know I had until about two months ago
Like you, I'm opposed to drugs. I won't even take an aspirin if I can help it. But back in college, I was seeing a sports psychologist after I went into a depression in my junior year. She helped me out a lot by letting me talk out how I was feeling about certain issues I was having, all the while giving me tools I needed to deal with the stressors on my own. This was personally the right way for me to go. I may be bias, but I think psychiatry tends to rehash certain issues over and over without giving an individual tools to make it better. (A friend of mine was diagnosed bipolar, put on meds, and sees a psychiatrist once a week. That was nearly a decade ago and she isn't any better.)

I know that it's different for everyone, and no two cases of depression are exactly the same, but it may be something to consider. And it seems that you acknowledge you're having issues and acknowledge it's not the "right" or "correct" way to be. Regardless of what you may say, the light at the end of your tunnel always stays lit, even though it's very dim at times.

Some people go through life simply happy in their misery, pay money for pills and psychiatrists, just so they have another thing to bitch about. You don't seem that way.

There's always a bit of shittasticness in life. Hell, I'm going through a mild depression myself (because of nicotine withdrawal). But that's just life. Humans are amazingly resilient creatures. I once went through a job loss, a knee surgery, and a break up, all of which happened in a 10-day period. (He broke up with me over a text message for chrissake.) I said, "Okay, if this is the worst I can ever feel, I should be lucky, and if I can get out of this, I can get out of anything." Being able to bounce back, especially if you feel like you did it on your own, can give you a new lease on life and that positive outlook you need to carry on.

Good luck.