How to get over her?

Me and my now EX girlfriend were dating on and off for 27 months (2 years, 3 months). There have been some amazing and fantastic times together, but the majority have been painful, and heart breaking. I'm going to make this short : She has done A LOT to me. Has lied, hooked up with others, flirting, everything bad you can imagine. I've given her more than a 100 chances. I also haven't been perfect. I've lied, etc also. But they aren't nearly as bad as what she's done.

We can't go for more than 3 days without arguing. I can't talk to her about anything. For example, when I try talking to her about our relationship, like me telling her why I'm not happy, she simply replies by saying "Fine. Whatever. Find someone else then". And for whatever fucking reason I find myself asking HER for forgiveness, when SHE'S the one who started the whole thing. I don't know why.

We don't trust one another. If some random person who DOESN'T know tell me tells her I hooked up with someone, she believes them. I, in the other hand, ask her about it before jumping to conclusions. She plays these stupid, childish games. She will say shit like "I honestly like someone else" just to try and "catch" me confessing to something she doesn't know. We're obviously not right together. Yet, we love one another deeply. Which is why it's so hard to move on. I personally feel guilty, as if I'm just giving up. But I just can't take it anymore. I don't have the patience anymore. I can't tolerate it.

We've agreed MULTIPLE times to say good bye, but we always find our selfs getting back together. It's mainly her. She'll call, text, IM me begging for another chance. Saying it'll be different. And I like a moron fall for it.

What the hell do I need to do to finally move on with my life?

She sounds like she's abusive, irrational, and very insecure about herself. Abusive people know how to push the other person's buttons to get the response they desire. Sounds to me like she grew up in a house where irrationality ruled, and until she gets the help she needs for herself, she won't change. You cannot force her to change no matter how hard you try. In fact, nobody can force her to get help except her. And I guarantee it will be later down the road when she'll change, and not anytime soon. Or, if the habits are ingrained in her personality enough, she won't change ever.

Getting to your question: based on what you have written, it sounds like you already know what to do. Break it off and don't look back. It would be healthier for you and her to do this. It sounds like you're taking a large amount of abuse from this woman, and that's not healthy for even the strongest of people. I know you love her and care about her, but this is what you both need.

Set your IM client to private (where only people on your list can IM you), delete her texts as soon as they come in, and don't answer calls from her. Total no contact. Period. If you ever feel like you have to get in contact with her, get up immediately and do something else. Clean your kitchen, play a video game, anything else. Just get away from the computer / phone until the urge subsides.

I also recommend reading up on how to recover from emotional abuse. Please be well.

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Originally Posted by Space Cowboy

it sounds like you already know what to do. Break it off and don't look back.

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Originally Posted by Space Cowboy

She sounds like she's abusive, irrational, and very insecure about herself. Abusive people know how to push the other person's buttons to get the response they desire. Sounds to me like she grew up in a house where irrationality ruled, and until she gets the help she needs for herself, she won't change. You cannot force her to change no matter how hard you try. In fact, nobody can force her to get help except her. And I guarantee it will be later down the road when she'll change, and not anytime soon. Or, if the habits are ingrained in her personality enough, she won't change ever.

Getting to your question: based on what you have written, it sounds like you already know what to do. Break it off and don't look back. It would be healthier for you and her to do this. It sounds like you're taking a large amount of abuse from this woman, and that's not healthy for even the strongest of people. I know you love her and care about her, but this is what you both need.

Set your IM client to private (where only people on your list can IM you), delete her texts as soon as they come in, and don't answer calls from her. Total no contact. Period. If you ever feel like you have to get in contact with her, get up immediately and do something else. Clean your kitchen, play a video game, anything else. Just get away from the computer / phone until the urge subsides.

I also recommend reading up on how to recover from emotional abuse. Please be well.

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OP

Thanks for the advice. I honestly hoped to hear more opinions, but much appreciated.

Anyways, I've done exactly just that. Blocked her SN, ignored her calls, delete her texts, etc. But she'll just start calling/texting from her friends/famillys phones. The odd part is that she some how KNOWS that when we're not apart, and I'm doing fine. Because when I'm okay, that's when she starts.

She also knows just what to say to make me feel like a horrible person for not talking to her. Last time she said she got in a car accident with her mom, that she's been in the hospital, sick and that she needs me. That made me feel guilty, so we started talking again. Shit. She's even tried playing the "I'm pregnant with your baby" shit. That worked. Once. Though she's tried it multiple times.

Thanks again. More would be greatly be appreciated.

My advice? Walk the fuck away. I don't care what you have to do to separate yourself from her, you do it. She is using you emotionally because she sees you as an easy target, and as much as it hurts to hear, you probably are one. But you don't have to be. Your relationship problems stem from the fact that you feel like you need her more than she needs you. She knows that, and uses it to her advantage. You honestly won't be able to change her mind, and holding on at this point would just be pointless. She doesn't care about you, it sucks, but once you realize that you can move on. I've been there myself, the only way you will ever be happy is if you stop talking to her. Permanently. You two are like oil and water, you don't mix.

She honestly sounds fucking crazy, and I know from personal experience that being in a relationship with someone who's crazy will make YOU crazy too. Stay the hell away from her. You know she's not really pregnant, so anything else she says is HER problem. Even if she says she's going to kill herself. Her actions are her choice, not yours.

I'm sure you'll find after enough time away from her that your emotions will level out again and you'll probably wonder what the hell you were thinking for letting it go on for so long. A chaotic relationship evokes a lot of emotions and even though it's bad, a person can get addicted to the chaos.

I second reading up on emotionally abusive relationships, and when you're over your feelings about the relationship, work on what was up with you that made you allow this for so long in the first place.

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Originally Posted by Shinysides

My advice? Walk the fuck away. I don't care what you have to do to separate yourself from her, you do it. She is using you emotionally because she sees you as an easy target, and as much as it hurts to hear, you probably are one. But you don't have to be. Your relationship problems stem from the fact that you feel like you need her more than she needs you. She knows that, and uses it to her advantage. You honestly won't be able to change her mind, and holding on at this point would just be pointless. She doesn't care about you, it sucks, but once you realize that you can move on. I've been there myself, the only way you will ever be happy is if you stop talking to her. Permanently. You two are like oil and water, you don't mix.

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OP

She DOES see me as an easy target. I've realized that. I don't know why it's different with her. You would think that from what I've said, she's my first girlfriend. But she's not. I've had multiple in the past, but she is the first that I've ever fallen in love with. And yes, I DO know the difference between love and just liking someone a lot.

The thing is, she's been through a lot. She's been physically and emotionally abused, and other things I'd rather not talk about it. That lead to a deep depression. She got into drinking, drugs, even harming herself. And I was the one there for her. I actually saw through all of that and thought she was different deep down, just needed someone who loves, and cares about her. Who would help her change.

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Originally Posted by Cryptic

She honestly sounds fucking crazy, and I know from personal experience that being in a relationship with someone who's crazy will make YOU crazy too. Stay the hell away from her. You know she's not really pregnant, so anything else she says is HER problem. Even if she says she's going to kill herself. Her actions are her choice, not yours.

I'm sure you'll find after enough time away from her that your emotions will level out again and you'll probably wonder what the hell you were thinking for letting it go on for so long. A chaotic relationship evokes a lot of emotions and even though it's bad, a person can get addicted to the chaos.

I second reading up on emotionally abusive relationships, and when you're over your feelings about the relationship, work on what was up with you that made you allow this for so long in the first place.

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Honestly, she is crazy. She's extremely jealous, obsessive, cold hearted, etc. She HAS threatened to kill herself over me multiple times. That's the MAIN reason why I end up taking her back. Because as I've stated before, I've felt guilty. She ends up going on this crazy drinking/drug binge when we're not some times, and I feel responsible. Does anyone know why?

I actually started seeing therapist because of this. And she's also said to stay the hell away from her.

Thanks for the advice/support. More would greatly be appreciated.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP

She DOES see me as an easy target. I've realized that. I don't know why it's different with her. You would think that from what I've said, she's my first girlfriend. But she's not. I've had multiple in the past, but she is the first that I've ever fallen in love with. And yes, I DO know the difference between love and just liking someone a lot.

The thing is, she's been through a lot. She's been physically and emotionally abused, and other things I'd rather not talk about it. That lead to a deep depression. She got into drinking, drugs, even harming herself. And I was the one there for her. I actually saw through all of that and thought she was different deep down, just needed someone who loves, and cares about her. Who would help her change.

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I understand completely, believe me, I've been there. I've fallen for an addict before. The problem is, most of us, myself included, take it for granted that eventually they will clean up their act. In my case, she never did, eventually I had to cut her loose, because if she didn't want to change, then it wasn't worth the time I spent trying to help. I understand that you don't want to see her hurt, but walk away, not only is this something she needs to deal with on her own, but most addicts cannot stop themselves until they hit rock bottom. Maybe you leaving and breaking contact will be her bottom, don't hope for it because the chances are slim. Until she hits that bottom, she will be unhappy, and she will make you unhappy too. You just have to realize that you can't help her through this, and move on and try to be happy. If she cares about you, she'll clean up her act, if she doesn't, she won't and you'll be better off without her. It sucks both ways, but it gets better over time.

Edit: And best of luck to you, this is a hard thing to have to do.

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Originally Posted by Shinysides

I understand completely, believe me, I've been there. I've fallen for an addict before. The problem is, most of us, myself included, take it for granted that eventually they will clean up their act. In my case, she never did, eventually I had to cut her loose, because if she didn't want to change, then it wasn't worth the time I spent trying to help. I understand that you don't want to see her hurt, but walk away, not only is this something she needs to deal with on her own, but most addicts cannot stop themselves until they hit rock bottom. Maybe you leaving and breaking contact will be her bottom, don't hope for it because the chances are slim. Until she hits that bottom, she will be unhappy, and she will make you unhappy too. You just have to realize that you can't help her through this, and move on and try to be happy. If she cares about you, she'll clean up her act, if she doesn't, she won't and you'll be better off without her. It sucks both ways, but it gets better over time.

Edit: And best of luck to you, this is a hard thing to have to do.

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OP

Thank you for your advice and support. I means a lot, especially since you've been in the same situation. What you've said is all true. She doesn't appreciate the fact that I've tried to be there for her and help her change. She doesn't know what she wants. One minute she wants to be with me, wants to change, the next she wants to be friends because she feels like she's missing out on a lot. It's ridiculous. But I'm honestly starting to care less and realizing that I can do SO much better. That I deserve better.

After reading the responses here, I'm doing a lot better. My friends and family for months have told me the same exact thing, but I just figured they were saying that because they're MY friends and family.

Thanks again. Much appreciated.

How do you get over her? Other women.

Sane women.

Once you've been with several sane women, you'll laugh at your old self for being so tied up with this one. There is really no reasoning process that is as powerful an emotional relaxant as that.

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Given the amount of time they've been together, saying just break it off is always a lot easier than actually doing it.

People might not like this idea, but the OP can still be in her life. Just don't date her. I can care less if you hook up with her or what not, but simply don't date her. Sounds like she needs someone to lean on, and a long time close friend is usually the first target.

I'd start looking at other woman, but do return her calls and texts and IMs. For her, it doesn't mean anything other than someone is caring about her. And you'll be able to sleep at night soundly without hating yourself.

Tekk, that's the worst possible advice you can give in this situation. It will only make an already unhealthy relationship more unhealthy, and an insecure, obsessive person (his ex) even more obsessive. It's not going to be "just sex" to her, that's for damn sure, and it isn't going to detach him from this unhealthy, codependent clusterfuck.

Actually, none of us really know what the full deal is, we've only heard what he's said. Everyone is telling him to just block a psycho girl out of his life. From experience, some like this don't take that answer without making his life hell, its not always the best option. Chances are after 2+ years she knows where he lives and where his family lives.

He realized the dating relationship is a bad place to be, and that's where he can start.

There's multiple ways to take this situation, I just gave a non-cookie cutter response.

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Originally Posted by Tekk

Given the amount of time they've been together, saying just break it off is always a lot easier than actually doing it.

People might not like this idea, but the OP can still be in her life. Just don't date her. I can care less if you hook up with her or what not, but simply don't date her. Sounds like she needs someone to lean on, and a long time close friend is usually the first target.

I'd start looking at other woman, but do return her calls and texts and IMs. For her, it doesn't mean anything other than someone is caring about her. And you'll be able to sleep at night soundly without hating yourself.

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Originally Posted by Tekk

Actually, none of us really know what the full deal is, we've only heard what he's said. Everyone is telling him to just block a psycho girl out of his life. From experience, some like this don't take that answer without making his life hell, its not always the best option. Chances are after 2+ years she knows where he lives and where his family lives.

He realized the dating relationship is a bad place to be, and that's where he can start.

There's multiple ways to take this situation, I just gave a non-cookie cutter response.

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OP

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Originally Posted by Tekk

Given the amount of time they've been together, saying just break it off is always a lot easier than actually doing it.

People might not like this idea, but the OP can still be in her life. Just don't date her. I can care less if you hook up with her or what not, but simply don't date her. Sounds like she needs someone to lean on, and a long time close friend is usually the first target.

I'd start looking at other woman, but do return her calls and texts and IMs. For her, it doesn't mean anything other than someone is caring about her. And you'll be able to sleep at night soundly without hating yourself.

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Originally Posted by Tekk

Actually, none of us really know what the full deal is, we've only heard what he's said. Everyone is telling him to just block a psycho girl out of his life. From experience, some like this don't take that answer without making his life hell, its not always the best option. Chances are after 2+ years she knows where he lives and where his family lives.

He realized the dating relationship is a bad place to be, and that's where he can start.

There's multiple ways to take this situation, I just gave a non-cookie cutter response.

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OP

We've tried just being "friends with benefits" and it didn't work out. She'd tried to use sex as some kind of leverage. It was "take me back, or we won't be friends with benefits". We've tried just being friends, and that didn't either. When she'd find out I'm talking to a girl, etcshe'd become even MORE possessive than she is now. She actually has threatened them to the point that they don't want absolutely nothing to do with me because of her. And I'd always ended up taking her back because she either 1) Threatened to commit suicide 2) Promised things would be different 3) Won't stop calling/texting/IM me.

Sorry for the double post.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

OP

We've tried just being "friends with benefits" and it didn't work out. She'd tried to use sex as some kind of leverage. It was "take me back, or we won't be friends with benefits". We've tried just being friends, and that didn't either. When she'd find out I'm talking to a girl, etcshe'd become even MORE possessive than she is now. She actually has threatened them to the point that they don't want absolutely nothing to do with me because of her. And I'd always ended up taking her back because she either 1) Threatened to commit suicide 2) Promised things would be different 3) Won't stop calling/texting/IM me.

Sorry for the double post.

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tell her your gay.


in all seriousness, put your foot down. if she threatens suicide tell her to stfu and do it.
she won't.
if she doesn't stop calling then just ignore her and shes BOUND to give up eventually.
you need to be the strong one here, even if it hurts to see her like that.
it'll be worth it.

She's only getting to you as much as you let her. You don't have to be friends with benefits, I meant you can do whatever you want, including that, in my original post. You've been there a long time and she's simply holding on the only way she knows how. She trusts you, but probably doesn't know how to express herself about her problems. This sounds like classic lash out.

Obviously you have to start standing up for yourself here. Yes, simply kicking her out of your life is an option as the other posters said. From your other posts it seems like she is resourceful and finds other ways to contact you. You can only do so much. In my opinion this option is just turning your back to a problem. It isn't going away on its own, you need to act.

If harassment is occurring, then you really need to take some action. Possibly legal. Best of luck to you.

Tekk, because flaming is not allowed here, I'm afraid I can't tell you what I really think of your crappy advice.

OP, you know better than to have sex with her or anything like that. Other people with more experience in this have given you good advice, and I really do hope for the best in your ability to cleanly break it off with her and to be able to move on.

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Originally Posted by sycld

OP, you know better than to have sex with her or anything like that. Other people with more experience in this have given you good advice, and I really do hope for the best in your ability to cleanly break it off with her and to be able to move on.

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OP

As I stated before, we TRIED to just be friends with benefits BEFORE, not just recently. Me and her (ex) have broken up multiple times, at least 100 times. I AM taking the advice and support seriously. In fact, I haven't spoken to her in a few days. Surprisingly enough, she hasn't bothered me at all. Possibly because she's found some other poor moron to hurt. And even though the thought of it hurts like hell, I'm doing pretty good in keeping my mind off her.

More advice/opinions would greatly be appreciated.

Ugh. Jesus Christ. I've followed this thread for a little bit and never put my two cents in. But I think we need to look back at some of your posts.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

There have been some amazing and fantastic times together, but the majority have been painful, and heart breaking.

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Oh so the bad outweigh the good? I've never heard of this phenomenon.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

Has lied, hooked up with others, flirting, everything bad you can imagine.

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Oh. She's a slut. K. I don't consider flirting cheating, but she's flat out cheated on you. Dealbreaker. Next.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I've given her more than a 100 chances.

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No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

We can't go for more than 3 days without arguing.

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How pleasant.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

We don't trust one another.

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And so why keep dragging it out?

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

She also knows just what to say to make me feel like a horrible person for not talking to her.

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Ah hah. You've fallen into the classic girl trap: You're wrapped around her finger. She's manipulated you to such a point that you've become whipped. I'm sorry. It's true. I had to say it. YOU'RE the guy. Do you know how unattractive whipped guys are to girls? The girls that want a whipped guy are mean, overbearing bitches. No one likes them either.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I've had multiple in the past, but she is the first that I've ever fallen in love with.

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How old are you? She's not the be all end all. Seriously. This is a great big world. There's plenty of people in it.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

I actually saw through all of that and thought she was different deep down, just needed someone who loves, and cares about her. Who would help her change.

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Wow. Okay. Listen, you cannot change a person. They can only change themselves. It is so much better to be in a relationship where both parties are happy, and then they come together as an extra added bonus in each other's lives. When one party is sad, the other party's job becomes "Well I'm gonna fix em." You can't. Why? Because you're not her. One day she might wake up and be like, "Wow, I was a bitch and a half!" She might not. You cant force her into anything she is not mentally ready to do.

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

Honestly, she is crazy. She's extremely jealous, obsessive, cold hearted, etc. She HAS threatened to kill herself over me multiple times.

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Good god, man, and you wanna be with that? If she's threatening suicide, she's completely mentally unstable. Especially to threaten over a relationship, that's CUCKOOFUCKINGCRAZY. She needs real professional help, not help from a boy she knows is wrapped the fuck around her finger.


And finally...

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Originally Posted by Anonymous

We've tried just being "friends with benefits" and it didn't work out.

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Of course it didn't work out. You can't be friends. You're no longer friends. There is too much history for you guys to fluff off the sex as "just for fun." No way, no how. Someone ALWAYS gets attached again, or the sex means more to one person than it does to the other. I've tried being friends with benefits with some of my exes and efforts were all in vain.

You need to find your cojones, guy. Tell this bitch to fuck off. For the past two and a half years, you've been so concerned about her, you forgot about the most important person: You. Do you seriously want to be stuck in an abusive relationship? I haven't seen any personal ads saying: "Wanted: Abusive lady for nice caring gentleman."

What do you want? What kinda girl do you think you deserve? She's out there. It's not this girl. Time to cut the proverbial cord.