Awful.

My honest suggestion to you as a writer is that you re-write this from scratch, remove anything that masquerades as a metaphor (heh) and express it in the simplest, plainest English you can muster with an absolute minimum of adjectives.

THEN embellish it *a little* to give it a little colour and/or personality.

1 or maybe 2 sentences should MORE than suffice. I've seen good writers say everthing you tried to say there with ten times the clarity using only a single 1-word sentence.

This should really help you to keep that impulse to waffle under control (good practice if you intend on writing a lot) and allow you to write something that readers might actually be able and willing to read without wanting to tear their own eyes out of their sockets.