I am proud of me.

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-03-2009, 12:52 PM

So one of my biggest fears since ever, is waking up face to face with something disturbing, like, oh I dunno...A huge fucking spider. Well, today I roll over and open up one eye to see, low and behold, a big black widow spider was sharing my pillow (not a GIANT spider, but probably as thick as my thumb) and was chilling not three inches from my face.

Now, having gone over this scenario in my head many a time, I was figuring this is the time I'd shriek like a little girl, dash out of my bedroom and consider everything inside the spider's property from there on out. Instead, I calmly got up, went over to my bookshelf and grabbed the dictionary, and then brought hardback justice down upon the offender (is it just me or do black widows crunch more then other spiders?)

Anyway, once the venomous thing was a stain on the face of the dictionary, I toss the book and the pillow over to the side of the room and then settle back down into bed and catch a few hours sleep. So yes, I am proud of me because I faced a grand fear of mine and came out the better man for it...and killed one of the most sinister things God has ever created in the process.

**Shinysides** · 05-03-2009, 12:58 PM

I was under the impression that black widows didn't get very big.

**Mad Pino Rage** · 05-03-2009, 01:09 PM

Male black widows are very small. You just killed a female black widow that probably just ate it's mate and has laid eggs somewhere in or around your pillow/bed/bedroom.

**Pepsi** · 05-03-2009, 01:14 PM

It would be "myself", not "me", you illiterate, backwoods goatfucker.

In related news, spiders will only bite if you provoke them.

**sycld** · 05-03-2009, 01:16 PM

Originally Posted by Mad Pino Rage

Male black widows are very small. You just killed a female black widow that probably just ate it's mate and has laid eggs somewhere in or around your pillow/bed/bedroom.

or his nose/sinuses or his inner ear.

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-03-2009, 01:19 PM

Tidus, why do you try so hard? You have no one to impress.

And thanks sycld, I'll going to go snort some coke and run boiling water through my ears. Excuse me.

**sycld** · 05-03-2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by no_brains_no_worries

And thanks sycld, I'll going to go snort some coke and run boiling water through my ears. Excuse me.

i don't think that's going to quite work, but burning hot pitch in your nose and ears would probably do the trick.

**jared** · 05-03-2009, 01:46 PM

When I was 10 or 11 I found a dead spider in my bed and refused to sleep there for a few months.

**benzss** · 05-03-2009, 02:12 PM

I have a similar plan for spiders

Venomous ones just involve shrieking louder and louder

**sycld** · 05-03-2009, 02:54 PM

the suggested response for italians when they got bit by a certain tarantula was to dance a wild frenzied folk dance, appropriately enough called the "tarantella."

that probably just spread the venom faster.

i think you should learn the tarantella for future spider attacks.

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-03-2009, 02:57 PM

All I know about spider bites is from the Palahnuck book Rant. Apparently some venomous reactions include a rock hard boner. Nature's viagra if you will.

**Pepsi** · 05-04-2009, 11:59 AM

It's clear that you have no idea what a good thread looks like.

**Mr. E** · 05-04-2009, 12:02 PM

Yeah, generally if you see a black widow there are eggs somewhere near you.

**WellAdjusted** · 05-04-2009, 09:21 PM

I can't kill spiders, I end up feeling bad.. so I would have had to find someone else to kill it or try to get it outside...

I think you handled the situation quite well.

**simonj** · 05-04-2009, 09:48 PM

I can't kill spiders because I have this fucked up idea that, if I do, every other spider in the world will take revenge.

This is obviously despite the fact there are virtually no dangerous arachnids in this country.

**WellAdjusted** · 05-04-2009, 10:00 PM

I used to (when I was like, 6) call all the ants out around the pool then step on them... and I am now trying to make amends by not killing anything. Except zombies of course.

**simonj** · 05-04-2009, 10:06 PM

No, you're doing it the wrong way. You should make amends by killing everything. Otherwise you look prejudiced against ants.

**WellAdjusted** · 05-04-2009, 10:25 PM

Hahaha, well I've stopped killing ants though...

**simonj** · 05-05-2009, 02:15 AM

Just as long as you keep getting abortions we're still cool.

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-05-2009, 03:02 AM

Originally Posted by Pepsi

It's clear that you have no idea what a good thread looks like.

So by mentioning this does this mean your e-cock gets bigger? Getting criticized by you is like getting weight loss advice by a sea cow.

Originally Posted by simonj

I can't kill spiders because I have this fucked up idea that, if I do, every other spider in the world will take revenge.

I have the same feeling sometimes. When I was little I saw a swarm of Daddy longlegs and thought that spiders had hives like bees.

**gwahir** · 05-05-2009, 04:03 AM

i should not have opened this thread

my sleep tonight will be troubled

**Pepsi** · 05-05-2009, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by no_brains_no_worries

So by mentioning this does this mean your e-cock gets bigger? Getting criticized by you is like getting weight loss advice by a sea cow.

I have the same feeling sometimes. When I was little I saw a swarm of Daddy longlegs and thought that spiders had hives like bees.

no my e-cock does not get bigger.

i just like pointing out the obvious.

**MalReynolds** · 05-05-2009, 10:47 AM

I was able to extract the queen bee hormone and make a bee suit. It was pretty sweet.

**MalReynolds** · 05-05-2009, 10:47 AM

Out of living bees.

**MalReynolds** · 05-05-2009, 10:48 AM

Also, you know the sand storm with Imoptehp's face in The Mummy? I can do that. With bees.

**Pepsi** · 05-05-2009, 11:09 AM

You know when Imhotep gets his arm cut off and then he picks it up and puts it back on?

I can do that.

Without bees.

**faesce** · 05-05-2009, 02:03 PM

Originally Posted by no_brains_no_worries

So one of my biggest fears since ever, is waking up face to face with something disturbing, like, oh I dunno...A huge fucking spider.

woman

Originally Posted by benzss

I have a similar plan for spiders

Venomous ones just involve shrieking louder and louder

woman

Originally Posted by jared

When I was 10 or 11 I found a dead spider in my bed and refused to sleep there for a few months.

woman

Originally Posted by WellAdjusted

I can't kill spiders, I end up feeling bad.. so I would have had to find someone else to kill it or try to get it outside...

woman

Originally Posted by simonj

I can't kill spiders because I have this fucked up idea that, if I do, every other spider in the world will take revenge.

woman

**gwahir** · 05-05-2009, 07:07 PM

Originally Posted by faesce

woman

that one actually is a woman

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-05-2009, 09:01 PM

Originally Posted by MalReynolds

Also, you know the sand storm with Imoptehp's face in The Mummy? I can do that. With bees.

This is totally weird, but I don't think I've ever been stung by a bee before. Also, use your powers for good.

**ViciousMentality** · 05-06-2009, 05:29 PM

I now have the urge to watch Arachnophobia, which is strange because that is a horrible movie.

This thread just makes me happy i don't have to deal with poisonous spiders. Living in Norther Minnesota means that I generally only have to deal with daddy long legs or those really annoying brown spiders that like to live in basement rooms and make a funny smushy noise when you kill them.

**no_brains_no_worries** · 05-07-2009, 01:17 AM

Originally Posted by ViciousMentality

I now have the urge to watch Arachnophobia, which is strange because that is a horrible movie.

This thread just makes me happy i don't have to deal with poisonous spiders. Living in Norther Minnesota means that I generally only have to deal with daddy long legs or those really annoying brown spiders that like to live in basement rooms and make a funny smushy noise when you kill them.

Those wouldn't happen to be Brown Recluses would they? You know, the spider who's venom can cause your flesh to rot?

**ViciousMentality** · 05-07-2009, 03:50 PM

Well I looked up brown recluse spider and it definitely isn't one of those. The spiders I'm talking about are much too fat with way shorter legs.

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